As I sit here with my hands casually positioned over the keyboard I try to think of a blog to write that is not painfully cliched and overdone but still inspirational. Unfortunately the ideas that are cliched are labeled so because they are good and that’s why so many people like and relate to them. If you look up inspirational quotes on a basic google search and scroll around for awhile you will undoubtedly stumble across the old saying that expresses the importance and necessity of change. I myself always wondered why people were so afraid of change, I didn’t realize the greater significance regarding that timeless piece of advice. I didn’t understand how scary change could be until I woke up and decided to change almost every aspect of my life.
If I am anything I am impulsive. The tattoo I got on my arm wasn’t planned at all. I went into the Shaman’s Den one day, got an appointment 20 minutes later and decided that my favorite quote should be my first tattoo. There’s a video of me shaving all my hair off one night just because I was in the mood for something new. My friends describe living with me as living with a five year old that’s high on cocaine. My counselor describes it as having zero impulse control due to unmedicated bipolar disorder (something that will be addressed in a future post so stay tuned). All of this being said, I thought that I was the poster child for change. I lived for it. Routines and consistency bored me. I just ended a four year relationship because to me it felt too bland and safe. It lacked the constant change that I felt was necessary for me to live the life I wanted. I was the person who laughed at change and went along my way, knowing that in the end it would all be ok, until recently.
You could say that I had an epiphany of sorts. I was pacing back and forth in my room gnawing off all the nails that I painstakingly grew out this past summer wondering to myself What the f*ck am I doing? Pardon my language, but at the moment I had to rethink everything that was once set in stone. The previous week I was a pre-law history and English major in her sophomore year with a loving boyfriend of four years. I had binders of law schools I wanted to apply to and life plans that went about 10 years into the future. The next week I threw out the binders, the law school applications and went back to being undeclared and single, moved out of the suite that I had lived in for a year and dyed my hair black. Now you may be wondering if I’m so spontaneous and impulsive how could I possibly have my life planned out 10 years into the future in binders? Well through experience I’ve realized humans and their personalities are full of contradictions that seem like they could never be paired together in one person. Sometimes I feel as though I’m two people crammed into a 5’5 frame and they’re duking each other out for space that just isn’t available at the moment. I saw that the change that I was once lived for could be seen more as spontaneous and even superficial even they definitely had an impact on my life (like getting the tattoo). The changes that I’ve recently made have been significantly more life altering and concrete such as moving communities and ending a long term relationship.
Suddenly, I realized that I wasn’t so comfortable with my impulsive changes. It was the first time I was legitimately scared and worried that things wouldn’t work out in the end how I always thought they would. Change did not feel liberating when I was sitting in the study lounge for the 4th day in a row because I was sexiled from my room. Change did not feel liberating when I realized the amount of money I was putting into a college education that I wasn’t sure I wanted anymore. Change tinted my mind with fear and doubt as I downed half a bottle of vodka in hopes of loosening up. ll I managed to do was wander around my new community, asking people where I was because I forgot that I had moved just a couple days previously.
Now, you’re probably thinking this girl is not making a convincing argument that change is good. But I’m not arguing that change is good, I’m arguing that change is necessary, because even though all of the things above seem somewhat depressing, they are pushing me closer to what I want in the end, whatever that may be. Sometimes change may feel uncomfortable, sometimes it can feel absolutely unbearable, but in the end I’m a firm believer that change is essential and ultimately positive if looked at from the right way. For example, I’ve been sexiled consistently for a week and my roommate refuses to speak English, but hey this is the most I’ve studied all semester. Change can be like getting a tattoo, uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful initially but you have to push through the pain in order to get that great tattoo that you’ve been planning and saving for. In the end you can either chose to embrace change or fight against it; either way change will always win because change is ultimately inevitable.
Take some time this weekend to embrace change, whether it’s simply the changing of the seasons or a significant change taking place in your life. In my experience I’ve found that change has been a truly exceptional source of inspiration when it comes to creativity and writing. If you aren’t experiencing any major life changes, then take time to experiment with a change of writing style, whether it be big or small. If the majority of your poems are free verse, take the time to write a structured poem that has specific guidelines, or vice versa. And remember, you can either fight it or embrace it but either way, change will persevere.