Today, I spent hours rereading previous journal entries and poems that I’ve written over the past several years. This was an interesting experience for me because some of the issues I was dealing with growing up seem to be reoccurring themes throughout my life now too. At some point, in the last couple years, I lost touch with my love for writing. It used to be all I ever wanted to do, but I got so caught up in life’s stresses that I began neglecting my passion. Spending my afternoon reopening the wounds I had so readily forgotten about was more cathartic than I had ever anticipated. I’ve always been an extremely emotional and empathetic person, so revisiting my emotional standpoint during rough times in my life showed me that I’ve already come so far, but it seems that even though I grow older, my anxiety over becoming something greater than myself has never disappeared.
The fear of failing has limited me immensely. In my last post, I talked about how the one word that I would use to describe myself would be “fearless”. This is true in that I’m not scared of what life throws at me, or any natural human fear like heights or death. I’m scared that maybe I won’t be successful despite the time and energy I exert. I’ve always been the type of person to take on many activities to fill the void of always wanting to always move forward as a person. I seek the experience of something new because it provides an adrenaline rush. I try to distract myself with extracurricular activities and work, so that I don’t have to think about not amounting to anything. I tend to suffocate myself with responsibility; having occupied all my time with any extra opportunities and two internships. I overwhelm myself because I feel as if that is the only way to be successful. However, I’m truly just lacking much needed time for myself. Rereading my work gave me insight into who I am as a person. I’m always begging for something different, something to keep me going, but what if what I need is to just take a step back? Reflecting on these truths make it self-evident that I must find time to relax. My mind is constantly racing and searching for the next experience life will throw at me. But I don’t want to live this way. I don’t want to be on edge because of the daily stress of failure. I want to be unrestricted.
I want to be able to breathe freely without stress wringing my chest dry of oxygen. I can’t remember when I stopped writing so frequently, but as a result I’ve lost a part of myself. I want to be able to refer back to writing as my means of mental sanity and survival. I think I can force myself to get back into this routine if I designate a specific time to myself. This designated “me time” will be work free. I will have to restrict myself so that I cannot do anything work related during this time. Rereading my thoughts and feelings has showed me how much writing has truly impacted the way I feel about myself and my state of mind.
This week, I encourage you to look back on your previous works. Take the time to question your motives for writing a certain piece, or find the emotion you channeled into that piece and ask yourself how you feel about it now. What has changed about who you were versus who you are now? What advice would you give yourself then if you knew what you know now? Explore yourself and your emotions. Nothing compares to the happiness you make for yourself. I hope you all never stop doing what you love. Have a wonderful weekend! #InternKaelan